of a White-Collar Felon
I used to never remember my dreams. I knew, scientifically-speaking, that I had about 4-5 dreams per night during my REM/NREM cycles and that the dreams we remember are only the last dream before waking, but for some years I just couldn’t remember a single dream.
You might say I never dreamed at all, absurd as it sounds.
Now, my dreams are vivid, especially so during that delirious somnambulant state shortly before dawn when I can’t tell if I’m awake or not. I dream that I was never indicted, or that the judge sentencing me looked more closely at my case and decided to admonish the prosecutors for over-reaching. I dream I had been a stronger person, that I had not crumbled under pressure from my attorneys or from the government prosecutor. I dream I was a better man, and that I had made better decisions. I dream sometimes that I’ve killed myself, that the suffering is finally gone, and picture my family & friends moving on without the burden of my disgrace.
Then I wake up. And with a very heavy heart I lift myself out of bed. As each foot touches the floor I imagine I weigh a thousand pounds. It is still dark outside, especially now in the still of winter. I gaze out the window and reality dawns as the sun rises. That it all did happen. That I made poor decisions.
And when it’s a good day, that burden slowly lifts with the rising sun and I hear my daughter coo and cry as she also awakens. I come to her, and look upon her with all my love, guilt, shame, remorse… and hope. With all my hopes that the mistakes of my past will not affect her future, that she grows up knowing how fiercely I love her. I lift her up and embrace her.
I must go on.
Innocent Spouse & Children Project
Rev. Jeff Grant, JD, M Div, Director
Christ Church Greenwich
254 East Putnam Avenue
Greenwich, Connecticut, USA 06830
Lynn Springer, Advocate
First Baptist Church of Bridgeport
126 Washington Avenue, 1st Floor
Bridgeport, Connecticut, USA 06604
Jesus Saves Ministries
784 Connecticut Avenue
Bridgeport. CT, 06607
|Cathedral of Praise C.O.G.I.C. Int’l|
|45 Gregory Street|
|Bridgeport, CT 06604|