Accepting Responsibility Without Living in the Shadows of Guilt

Accepting responsibility is never easy, especially when the repercussions of our actions ripple out to affect others. While I, along with the judicial system, defend and acknowledge that my circumstances were caused by the culmination of an untreated mental illness and lacked all criminal intent, I still fully accept the consequences I caused to others. This has led me to navigate a landscape of guilt, shame, restitution, and accountability.

Owning my responsibility began with serving two years in jail, a penalty that matched my actions under law. Beyond my incarceration, the financial restitution tied to this event is a burden I will likely carry for the rest of my life. More personally, the heaviest weight of guilt lies in the liability my parents now bear in civil litigation, as they were the leaseholders of the apartment. Their unwavering love and support have become my bedrock, and to see them burdened by my actions cuts deeper than any external judgment. Their love should never have come at such a steep price.

I also feel guilt towards the business owners who suffered losses. Although I’ve come to terms with the fact that, through insurance and litigation, they will likely recover — and perhaps even exceed — the value of what was lost. If this doesn’t happen, it will stem from their decision to underinsure their property, a choice they must personally accept. The restitution owed by insurance companies will reflect the contractual obligations set by their policies, not by me.

Shame has been much more overwhelming and has superseded my guilt. It’s more personal. It’s the belief that I am, and always will be, inherently flawed and unworthy because of what happened. Guilt can be reconciled, but shame can only occur through a personal transformation.

The turning point in my journey came just 24 hours after the fire. Wandering the streets of Princeton, I was engulfed in an existential crisis unlike anything I had ever faced. I pleaded with God, begging that no one was harmed. The sheer weight of what could have been — a catastrophic tragedy — was too much to bear.

The next morning, I sat in a public library, frantically searching for news of the incident. Learning that no one was injured lifted an enormous burden from my soul. In that moment, I could bear the Truth of my actions since they were not rooted in malice or criminal intent. It was a tragic mistake driven by mental illness.

This realization allowed me to move forward — not free of guilt, but relieved of the crushing shame to be forever irredeemable. I will likely be making amends for the rest of my life while seeking forgiveness from those I hurt. But I do not have to imprison myself to the court of public opinion. The opinions of others can be harsh, and I will not allow them to define me. Once our punishment has been endured, true accountability isn’t about bearding ourselves in perpetual mental abuse — it’s about growth, reconciliation, and the willingness to make amends.

Accepting responsibility means owning what is mine without taking on what isn’t. For me, that means acknowledging my role in the fire and the pain it caused, without internalizing judgments that mischaracterize my actions or intentions. It also means forgiving myself, not as an excuse to shirk accountability, but as a necessary step to live meaningfully and productively.

I cannot rewrite the past, but I can learn from it, grow through it, and ensure it does not define me. While forgiveness and acceptance may never come from those who have written me off, I’m gaining peace in the knowledge that total absolution comes only from God. In the end, the Truth is our Judge, and with grace, I venture towards liberation from my past and personal redemption.

Scott Krukowski is a member of the Ministry’s White Collar Support Group™ that meets every Monday evening on Zoom. You can read more of Scott's writing on Medium.